And upon the third day I did sit down Deamonette for her first lesson in six string domination. She did learn to care for her mighty axe as if it were her own child, by tuning and restringing. The Infernal Names of the Strings were also communicated unto her: E1, B2, G3, D4, A5, and the mighty E6.
When the Names were etched into her mailable psyche, the time was neigh for her to learn to invoke the Names to wreak glorious havoc upon the earthly realm of man. Lo, my young apprentice was professed the Chords of Em, E, Am, A, D and Gm, and the 10 Chord Change Conditioning.
Being of wee stature and fair handedness, Deamonette did bemoan pain in her fingertips from the might of the Strings. This, she was told, is the suffering we must endure when we become Disciples of The Way of the Six String. She will build strength and agility in her fingers, and one day bring metal destruction and chaos unto the waiting mortal world
And upon this holiday, the Deamonette was bequeathed the Wee Axe of Tutelage and I the Axe of Learning by the Great Guitar Gods as a first blessing in our respective destinies to blanket the earth in metal madness and dark chaos.
It had once been foretold that we two would be helped on our quest by a friend of mine until he realized a video or online teacher would help us a little bit more. Lo, I was destined to not only train myself, but Deamonette, in the Way of the Six String.
At The Google Gates, I embarked on my epic journey. Surrounding my search for a seer to guide me on the basics, were hoards of thieves and zealots, all with designs on conniving me with their malicious intent and false knowledge. By the Grace of the Gods, one monk from the temple known as guitarnoise.com shone through the throngs like a pyre in the depths of Northern Winter. In this temple, I was given the basic guitar combative techniques, which I practice whenever I have a moment to do so. My mighty conditioning consists of 10 chord changes for each pair of chords listed below:
On one of my travels to the Google Gates for plunder and wenches, I happened across a mystic that was providing scrolls of advanced techniques. I took from him the scrolls of Obituary-Chopped in Half and Budgie-Guts, and the portions of the Wonderous Dio Tome, Last In Line and Don’t Talk to Strangers. I have, between my formal training of the Mellifluous Am, A, E, Em, D and Bm Chords, been able to study the first Tome of Dio and the Obituary Scroll.
Thus the dawn of the epic Six String Assassin Saga wakes, and a dark chill reaches its grim fingers across the unsuspecting land.
It’s going to be a guitar shredding X-mass at the old Aaronichi home this year. Wife and I are getting Kid a Squire starter set. I’m asking Santa for a set up as well, but I’m still on the fence between this bad ass rig and this tool of metal destruction. I know, I have no clue how to play guitar, but with those axes I could probably shit in a bucket on the strings and it’ll sound like Thor on Rock Sauce. A good friend of mine has agreed to teach me and Kid how to throw down together at the same time and shit. It’ll be rad. I don’t care what she WANTs to play, we’re going to be the first father daughter doom metal band ever. We just need to get Wife to learn to play drums, and it’ll be like the Brady Bunch tour, but with drop D tuning and the devil. Oh, yes, we will keep the spandex jumpsuits with fringe work on the arms.
I’ve been kinda bored today, surfing the brown wave that is the internet. I found some pretty bad ass Doomish Metalish bands, so I’ll share em with you in case you feel like being shared with because I said so. Besides, the music you listen to most likely sucks anyway.
Yob: Stoner/Doom Metal from Oregon up until 2006. If you don’t like them, I refuse to hang out with you.
Fistula: I thought the name was like “Fisting + Dracula”, but it means some kind of a rupture in the taint or eye or eardrum. That’s pretty metal. But a band of ravenous fisting Draculas is even more metal. Like the last entry, they are brutal as well.
Dot[.]: Now defunct metal joint from Japan. They have a ton of albums with naked chicks and such. Always a bonus.
End of Level Boss: Who cares if they kick ass. Their name is way rad. Well, they do kick much old school Doom ass, so good for them.
Daylight Dies: When the Black Metal masses get home from a hard day burning down Christian churches in the name of Norse gods, this is what they listen to to unwind.
Reverend Bizarre: These guys are aptly named. It’s like if Dr. Frankfurter made an Alien Sex Fiends album mixed by Lemmy back when he was in Hawkwind or something.
This weekend was the Fell’s Point Fun Festival here in B-more. I live in the neighborhood (well the Upper version) that this fest celebrates, so it had that going for it. It was hot as balls this weekend, I think everyone within 3 states was crammed in a 7 square block radius, and they had a beer garden sporting Budweiser and crappy 90’s cover bands. It was miserable. I spent some good money though. I got a kick ass kielbasa with onions and peppers, some Lacoste knock off sun glasses and a Zakk Wylde’s black Label Society live DVD.
I got back home and cracked open the DVD and popped it in and it properly rocked. It didn’t exceed my expectations, but it satisfactorily met them. That’s not the point. The point is, I want to learn to play guitar. I want to wail on a Flying V like Zakk Wylde. I want a Marshal Stack amp that I can crank up and just be all: “waaah wahhh werna ner niddilly ner ner warnanernerner” and throw in the Whammy bar. I’d rock with the super triple drop D tuning. It would be the sound of the 4 Horsemen riding with Odin on his 8 legged steed with He-Man and Skellitor (the Google spell checker suggest I use “Clitorides” instead of Skellitor. Is it just me or does that sound like a vaginal breath mint?) on their respective Battle Cats. It would be like the Hoards of the Dead marching with BC rich guitars instead of swords. I’d be bad ass. Well, I’d certainly piss of the neighbors, not to mention the Deamonettes.
