Shuriken of Truth

And upon the third day I did sit down Deamonette for her first lesson in six string domination. She did learn to care for her mighty axe as if it were her own child, by tuning and restringing. The Infernal Names of the Strings were also communicated unto her: E1, B2, G3, D4, A5, and the mighty E6.

When the Names were etched into her mailable psyche, the time was neigh for her to learn to invoke the Names to wreak glorious havoc upon the earthly realm of man. Lo, my young apprentice was professed the Chords of Em, E, Am, A, D and Gm, and the 10 Chord Change Conditioning.

Being of wee stature and fair handedness, Deamonette did bemoan pain in her fingertips from the might of the Strings. This, she was told, is the suffering we must endure when we become Disciples of The Way of the Six String. She will build strength and agility in her fingers, and one day bring metal destruction and chaos unto the waiting mortal world

~Fin

And upon this holiday, the Deamonette was bequeathed the Wee Axe of Tutelage and I the Axe of Learning by the Great Guitar Gods as a first blessing in our respective destinies to blanket the earth in metal madness and dark chaos.

It had once been foretold that we two would be helped on our quest by a friend of mine until he realized a video or online teacher would help us a little bit more. Lo, I was destined to not only train myself, but Deamonette, in the Way of the Six String.

At The Google Gates, I embarked on my epic journey. Surrounding my search for a seer to guide me on the basics, were hoards of thieves and zealots, all with designs on conniving me with their malicious intent and false knowledge. By the Grace of the Gods, one monk from the temple known as guitarnoise.com shone through the throngs like a pyre in the depths of Northern Winter. In this temple, I was given the basic guitar combative techniques, which I practice whenever I have a moment to do so. My mighty conditioning consists of 10 chord changes for each pair of chords listed below:

On one of my travels to the Google Gates for plunder and wenches, I happened across a mystic that was providing scrolls of advanced techniques. I took from him the scrolls of Obituary-Chopped in Half and Budgie-Guts, and the portions of the Wonderous Dio Tome, Last In Line and Don’t Talk to Strangers. I have, between my formal training of the Mellifluous Am, A, E, Em, D and Bm Chords, been able to study the first Tome of Dio and the Obituary Scroll.

Thus the dawn of the epic Six String Assassin Saga wakes, and a dark chill reaches its grim fingers across the unsuspecting land.

~Fin

As I sit in my cube munching on dry Blueberry Clusters Kashi cereal, I pause and reflect over the holiday. I reflect thusly:

The Demoness, Deamonette and I went back to my teen age stomping grounds, Omaha, NE for a family reunion of sorts. My mom had everyone (+ new family additions where applicable) under the same roof for the first time in at least 15 years. It was nice to have time to hang out with everyone (it’s nice to have it over with too, I tell you what, boy).

We got yo hang out with The Morgetron clan as well, which was a definite highlight of the vacation. I should have taken Hubbatron’s advice and foregone the vile Chelada (Deathchelada to the ninja community). Unfortunately, my wife loved it and she is on a mission to find it here in B-more. Please, god-alah-buddha-yahweh, don’t let it be distributed here, please.

~Fin

One of the crappy things about being as brutally metalicious as I historically have been is not being able to rock some of my more brutal tunes around Kid. Sure, a few F*Bombs here or there or some political ranting and raving about “Fuck the Government” and stuff is all good every once in a while, but there are some limits. Now, When you look at the list, you’ll notice some of the more extreme death metal missing. It’s kind of obvious. If Kid can’t understand the lyrics, she has no clue that “Hammer Smashed Face” by Cannibal Corpse is about smashing someones head in with a hammer. It’s kind of a no-brainer. The songs on this list are songs I love that are just too obviously questionable or a little above the psyche of a 13 year old.

Unida- Wet Pussycat: a whole minute of John Garcia screaming “What the fuck” after a song about a dirty whore is a little over the top.

Tool - Ænema: It’s a great song with a great message, but the whole “fuck everyone” tirade (which, when I’m listening to the song, I totally mosh in my chair at that part) makes it a no no.

Venom- Black Christmas: I’ll just lump all the old-school Black Metal in here. They were brutal, but they had singers you could understand. Mix that with the absolutely over the top Satanic message, and you’ve got some not too kid friendly tunes.

Akon and Snoop Dogg- I wanna Fuck You: Yeah, even hard rockers like me like to get down and obvious with our women. It’s music for times like the great Katt Williams said “When you can lean back and look at your own dick”, NOT when you’re in the car with your kid.

Turbonegro- I Got Erection: Turbonegro makes bad music. Not crappy music, but completely unwholesome music. It’s a given that every song is about tender buttsex, but in some songs the imagery is more veiled in metaphor than others. “I Got Erection” is one of the obvious ones.

Dirty Sanchez- I Dig It: This is a banging club song, with a nice, infectious 80’s sound. The only problem is, about half way through, they start talking about how great it is to get their scrotes gobbled and fingers in their butt holes. Nah.

Nekromantix- Who Killed the Cheerleader: It’s no more overtly violent than most songs I listen too, but the chorus is a little too much for a 13 year old, methinks:

“Who killed the cheerleader?
you did… you did. Oh no.. it wasn’t me at all
who raped the prom queen? he did he did
Yeah right and she was having a ball… ”

Supersuckers- How to Maximize Your Kill Count: A joke blueprint to committing mass murder. It’s funny if you don’t think about the large amount of people that have really been doing it lately. It’s got some bad ass trademark Supersuckers licks in it too.

Still on the fence: Anything by Acid Bath. These guys are pretty fucked up. They play some crazy 90’s stoner rock that seems unassuming and harmless, but they break out in some creepy stuff. Prime example “Bleed Me an Ocean”. It’s insightfully fucked up…and rather well articulated…it kinda scares me…in a good way…

~Fin

Don’t despair,
just because it’s Christmas.
Children, they’re
all so gay at Christmas.
All the children on the street
hope they get something good to eat.
But for me it’s not so great.
Fuck Christmas!

~Fear

Ah, the holidays. A time of great expectation, greed and disappointment.  A time to not be with loved ones, but people we are obliged to.  A time not of joy, but sacrifice for others fragile facade of joy.  A time not of love, but duty.  Usually, the holidays are a black cloud over my year.

This year, I’m actually excited about X-mass (I ain’t Christian, so I celebrate the Code Red guzzling, snow boarding,  bong hitting guy in a red hat).  I get to spend a week with family and friends that I haven’t seen in years.  Wife, Kid and I are heading to Omaha for a few days.  It’ll be nice to kick it, drink beers, have some good food and bull shit with no responsibility to anyone but my bed.  Wife will get a respite from all the work and family drama that’s been weighing down on her lately.  Most importantly, my family will get to hang out with Kid, my pride and joy.

I hope everyone out there gets to have a great holiday like I’m planning on having this year.

~Fin

Go ahead.  I know how you feel about it. Just piss all over it. Have a blast, jerk.

Kid’s 13th birthday party

Lasertag in Dundalk

Yellow team, 5 girls

Green, 5 boys

Epileptic seizures, black light maze

Headshot

Male domination through Lasertag

~Fin

WAS:

IS:

So, fuck yeah.

It’s going to be a guitar shredding X-mass at the old Aaronichi home this year.  Wife and I are getting Kid a Squire starter set.  I’m asking Santa for a set up as well, but I’m still on the fence between this bad ass rig and this tool of metal destruction.  I know, I have no clue how to play guitar, but with those axes I could probably shit in a bucket on the strings and it’ll sound like Thor on Rock Sauce.  A good friend of mine has agreed to teach me and Kid how to throw down together at the same time and shit.  It’ll be rad.  I don’t care what she WANTs to play, we’re going to be the first father daughter doom metal band ever.  We just need to get Wife to learn to play drums, and it’ll be like the Brady Bunch tour, but with drop D tuning and the devil.  Oh, yes, we will keep the spandex jumpsuits with fringe work on the arms.

Bored on Friday, tooling around myspace. You can see a kind of surfing narrative.

The Walruz, Sleep, Church of Misery, Sonic Flower, Orange Sunshine, Acrimony, Cathedral, Pentagram, Possessed, Elias Hulk, Aardvark, Nosferatu, Pinguin, Moving Gelatine Plates, Gods of Hellfire, Khang, Gloomy Sunday, Witchcraft, Dead Man, Graveyard, November, Plankton, Grand Magus, These Guys Completely Suck, Trouble, Witchfinder General, Blind Witch, Blindmann, Bigelf, Astra, TITAN, Saviours, The Sword, Drunken Horse, Doom Riders, Old Man Gloom, Bloodhorse

Bored of this.

~Fin